The First Surgery

The emotions you go through are vast, overwhelming at times, and completely normal.

In the weeks leading up to the surgery, it was all I could think about. It consumed my life. I just wanted to shout about what was about to happen to me. I would go from extremely encouraged and positive one moment, to scared out of my mind the next.

I was excited to see how great I would feel once I was healed, but I was scared of the steps I would need to take to get there. I saw it as the greatest opportunity of my lifetime, but I was scared of the long road.

I was VERY scared about the bag. I was scared about my clothes fitting over it. I was scared about holding my daughter. The stoma is usually an inch or two south of the belly button and about three to four inches to the right side. I hold my daughter on my right hip. It sounds silly now, but I was really scared about not being able to hold her the way I normally had. I was scared that I wouldn't be strong enough to empty it, or change it. I was scared that I wouldn't be strong enough to handle everything.

The weekend before the first surgery I had a perfect weekend. I spent time with friends and my family. I truly cherished every moment.

The day of the surgery, I was not scared. I was looking at it as just another colonoscopy. I was joking with my husband and my mother right up until the moment I was wheeled away from them and into the operating room.

I had done everything possible to prepare. I had worried enough. Worrying was going to do me no good at this point. I was going to need to wake up, put trust in my doctors and nurses, and do whatever they told me to do in order to get better as quickly as possible. My goal was to be ready for the resection as quickly as possible.

I was focused.