How Much More?

I had been lucky through the pregnancy. I had a small flare around week 32. I was able to quickly control it with Canasa suppositories. I did not start my medications.

Not three weeks after giving birth, my colitis flared.

With a vengance.

I was going to the bathroom over 20 times a day. I was dropping weight rapidly. I was no longer able to control my bowel movements. Things were spiraling out of control and I was overwhelmed by feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

Dr. G. never said "I told you so" - but we began the steroid cycle again. After three months at 60mg of prednizone, I was still bleeding. He did a colonscopy.

I will never forget the moment in recovery. Dr. G. sat down on my bed. He said that it was good news. That he felt I didn't need surgery. That things didn't look as bad as he thought they would. He wanted to continue with our current course of treatment.

I cried. I was overtaken by depression. I didn't understand how he could say that things weren't that bad. He must not have understood what I was telling him.

The trips to the bathroom, not sleeping because of the trips to the bathroom, the accidents when the trip to the bathroom was simply too long...Had he not been listening?

What type of life was this?

I was becoming weaker by the day. Melting away.

How much longer would I be able to care for my daughter?

How far did the disease have to go? How far was far enough? How much more could I take?

My mother and my sister suggested I take control of my colitis and my health. I called Dr. G.'s office and asked for the name of a colorectal surgeon.